When and why was the first time u cut?
I self harmed from a very very young age, but I first cut when I was roughly 13/14 I was in the bath and I was shaving and I was basically feeling real shit and I wondered what would happen if I just kept going over my wrist with the shaver and eventually my skin cut open and began bleeding, and soon enough I had taken the blades out of it and decided to cut and I felt kind of special, like it was my little secret and I kind of liked waking up and having all these cuts on my arm.
And I haven’t stopped since, because within probably a month (23 days is the typical time to develop a habit) I began doing it constantly due to sadness and pain I felt, cuts went from cat scratches to cutting through all layers of skin through the fat so I’m sat in A&E on a Tuesday night at 1am having stitches. Then I’d go into college the next day as if nothing had happened. This happened pretty much within a few years.
It’s mainly because 1 I kind of feel like I’ve achieved something by destroying myself, so I didn’t feel like a failure and that I wasn’t “ill enough”. and 2 because whenever i felt pain i instantly turned to self harm because i couldn’t understand what to do with all the rage inside me, my brothers have always just punched someone who angered them, but I never have, I don’t like physical conflict, and so I just took it out on myself so I could feel the pain I felt inside really. I don’t know why I’m saying it in past tense, it’s only been 2-3 weeks.
If anyone’s struggling with it, you can message me, and I’ll read it, I probably won’t reply because then the blog will just be full of posts, but I’ll definitely read it.